; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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