Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
