shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
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Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
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I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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