He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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