I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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