i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
