it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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