I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
