Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
