Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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