Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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