omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
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You. Win. At. Life.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
