Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
