oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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