On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
