Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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