Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have already put on my inside pants.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
