i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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