Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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