i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
