I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
