it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
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I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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