currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
