In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
