I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
