Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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