I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My dick has a subreddit
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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