my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
