alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
