Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.