My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
