Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
