apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
