my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
