rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
