I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
