just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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