38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
