Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
