my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
