Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
