Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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