Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
