Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
