I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
