Small penises have feelings too.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
