There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
