Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
