I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
