Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
