aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
