Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
