If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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