y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
